Tag Archive: support


A poem…

King, wrote me a poem a few hours ago. He’s my ex fours year ago. He knows me well and he definitely feels what I’ve been going through in the past few weeks as a result of my recent break-up. Reposting the poem from his blog:

You left me on the edge of a cold sandy beach
Icy waters greeting my feet
Like the endless tears of pain in hell
You left me on the edge of a cold sandy beachI stand frozen
Looking at the distant memory of you
You kissed me goodbye
And hugged me ’till my tears dry

Waves are coming for me
Piercing wind, scratching my face
Yet I stand there frozen
Looking for you
Waves are coming for me,
yet I stand there frozen,
as tears drown my longing for you.

I walk towards the water
Freezing water, like your heart when you left me.
I walk farther from the shore
Like how I must walk away,
from the memory of you
I drown myself in the deep ocean blue

How I wish I can just drown myself
To feel nothing but the freezing cold
Until my body numbs
Until I can no longer feel…

As I let myself go in the waters that swallowed me
How I wish you could hear my plea
I let go of the future
…and the memories of us.
 Is that we will ever be.

Thank you very much King! I appreacite it so much.
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I have mentioned in my blog entry before that I have told everyone about my status except for this particular ex-partner of mine. Let’s call him BB (that’s how I call him when we were still together.) I have attempted to tell him about it two weeks ago in person over coffee but my schedule didn’t permit us. Last Friday, I chanced upon him online on Facebook and I finally decided that I have to tell him about it. Surprisingly, he took it as if it’s nothing serious. He just assured me that everything will be fine as my CD4 count is still high and he guarantees my confidentiality given that he is a medical practitioner.

Yesterday afternoon, I posted my itinerary on Facebook. He popped me after a few and then asked if he could join me. I told him to meet me at around 9pm after work so we could catch up with each other. When I got off from work, I got to our meeting place ahead of time and he was late as usual. After almost 15 minutes of waiting, I saw someone walking towards me. It’s BB. I hardly noticed that it was him except for his eyes and smile. He looked so different – so thin and worn out. Words failed me. After the usual greeting, we walked towards the car in unusual silence and drove over to a restaurant somewhere in QC.

I wasn’t expecting that our dinner will be full of revelations. The reason why he was also eager to meet me in person is that he was intending to tell me the same thing that I was planning to tell him. He’s also HIV positive. and in his case, he found out about his status when he was hospitalized because of Pneumonia last January for three weeks. Prior to that, he had frequent flu and headache. And as a doctor, he was self-medicating. He took steroids which actually worsened his situation activating the pneumonia, and staphylococcus aureus (brain abscess). The later almost paralyzed him as if he had stroke. Until now, he has difficulty talking. The same condition explain why he walks in an awkward kind of way. His baseline CD4 count – 16. Currently he’s under ARV medication and I’m praying that his condition stabilizes ASAP.

While we were discussing about our past, our disease, and what’s in store for our future, another ex of mine texted. Let’s call him King (his SACCL screen name). I asked him if he would like to meet a friend of mine who’s also a pozzie. And when he agreed, BB and I went to his pad. Two of my most loved ex-partners of my life under one roof. And given that in the past, King despises BB that even in the time when he needed medical attention, he got furious at me for contacting BB. Funny that the three of us share the same fate and all that we could do is to hold on to each other — support each other as fellow pozzies.

King shared his night to us. He had told his father about his status the very same time that BB and I were having dinner. And another surprise. From being a spiritual person, he has finally converted to Christianity. You can read about it on his blog entry. We shared insights about HIV, our plans, how we told our beloved ones, etc. That one hour flew so fast. We had to go home as BB needed to take his medication and I had to sleep early for the next day’s engagements. We bid each other goodbye and then dropped off BB at his house.

Life is full of surprises. and mostly, they come unexpected. I’ll blog about my reflections while I was driving home that night later. This is it for the night. I still can’t move on with last night’s revelations.

informing my exes…

I could have done this anonymously but I opted to tell them about my status personally. It was a big risk as I have no idea how they’re going to react upon hearing the news but it is my responsibility to tell the people that have been special in my life about it.

I called the three of them one by one and told them of my situation over the phone. They were shocked knowing that they could have also contacted the virus from me. With maturity, they all accepted the fact given that it was our choice to do the act without protection. I felt guilty about it. They assured me though that I shouldn’t be guilty about it  as it was not my choice to have the virus nor do I have the intention of passing it to them. They’ll still be there for me whatever happens. No regrets, no bitterness. Had quite long discussions with them over the phone with our emotions running. Questions have been asked and have been answered with full honesty.

I advised them to have themselves tested as soon as possible so that they know if they have contacted it from me or not. I’m praying and hoping that in their tests, it’ll turn out non-reactive.

confessing to my parents

It was palm Sunday and there was confession in our church. I took advantage of it to seek spiritual guidance from a priest about my situation and at the same time, ask for the absolution of my sins. I don’t know what happened but as I confessed my sins, tears started to flow down my cheeks. Then suddenly I broke down when I started telling the priest about being a victim of HIV. He didn’t blame me nor condemned me. Instead, he assured me that everything will be fine as I approached God with a contrite heart seeking God’s forgiveness. He just told me to pray for guidance and wait for the right time to tell my parents about it. After saying my penance, I have decided. I’m gonna tell my parents about it that moment.

I called my parents to meet me at our home as I’m going to tell them something very important. My initial line was “I’m gonna tell you something but please, don’t hate me. Don’t condemn me, and I’m hoping that you would still accept me as your son. Let me do the talking first.” My mom interrupted me and told me that we should pray together first for God’s grace of understanding, forgiveness and repentance. After praying, I held both of their hands and then uttered, “Mommy, Daddy, I’m HIV positive.” Again, I lost control of my tears. My mom started crying. and when we all calmed down, as a family, we talked about what’s going to happen next and what should be expected. They expressed their full support to me.

Parent will be be parents.

I can feel their pain — they don’t want to see their son suffer.

I can feel their love, concern, support, and understanding.

No one will understand me better than them.

After telling this about them, the last thorn has been pulled out from my heart. And the wound it left is being healed by my parent’s love and support.

Mom, Dad, my siblings. I love you all and thank you.