my lifestyle is killing me…

That’s what my bestfriend reminded me through SMS a few minutes ago. I will have to take a retreat from my lifestyle:

1. Out of town beach trips almost every weekend
2. Inuman with my barkada every Sunday night, or anytime my friends invite me to go out (given that I have work the following day)
3. Date with my partner after work on Tuesday night ’til sunrise (will need to report to work the same morning)
4. Chain smoking
5. Sleep deprivation on weekdays being a hardcore insomniac
6. Stressful nature of my job

I have come to a realization that I’m writing my own death sentence. I have lived by the phrase carpe diem — seize the day; living my life to the fullest. Time is short and given my condition as a pozzie, every minute of my life matters. I have two options — enjoy my colorful bachelor life painted with travel and parties, or take things slow to prolong my life. The prior one is enticing. But I love myself, my family, and my friends. I want to grow old with them thus, I’m gonna need to sacrifice the fun part of my life. Hence on, I resolve to balance things between my health and fun.

Just got back from another beach escapade with my best friend and his buddy somewhere in Visayas. and as of now, I’m having an asthma attack. I smoked too much. During the trip, we just had four to five hours of sleep everyday. When I got back last Sunday, I slept the whole afternoon and then went out with my barkada till the wee hours. Despite the asthma and the medication I’m taking, I still had the guts to smoke and drink with them. These are the things that I need to change. I don’t want to regret what my CD4 count will be in November when I’m going to have my next blood extraction for my routine CD4 count monitoring.

I have started working out. But it’ll be no use if I’m gonna stick to this lifestyle. I have to start taking care of my health and general wellness. Thanks bestie for reminding me. I love you friend!

Papa Smiley Bear and Baby Bear…

Another chapter of my life is being written — the story of Papa Smiley Bear and his Baby Bear. I’ve been waiting for this love story for almost two years now and my patience finally paid off. My prince charming has finally come to free me from the bondage of my past. After being chained in the pit of bitterness and despair for months, this knight in the shining armor rescued me and escorted me be back to life. He helped me remember the things that I have forgotten — how to smile and love again.

But not all fairy tales have happy endings. Just as when the handsome prince have finally met his perfect maiden, he has learned that a haunted ghost of the past had cast a spell upon his bride. A curse that would restrain them in the act of manifesting their love for each other. That once broken, it’ll bring demise to his own life. The Prince risked it. At around 4:30 am of June 9, 2010. He uttered the words “I love you” and kissed his maiden. When their lips touched, the fairy godmother dressed in all pink appeared out of nowhere and transformed the Prince and the maiden into bears after the hollywood SFX drama of smoke, glitters, and orchestra music — the Prince as Papa Smiley Bear and the maiden as Baby Bear. And from thereon, they are to take the hurdles of this life in the wilderness and they are to shape their own destiny.

Malabo no? I’m just wasted. Just to cut things short, Rico (not his real name) and I are now officially partners. I call him my Papa Smiley Bear (he smiles a lot and he has this perfect killer smile), and he calls me his Baby bear. That’s it. haha.

weight problem…

This has been a problem that I’ve been facing in the past few years. No matter how voracious my appetite is, I just won’t gain weight. Instead, I keep on getting leaner and leaner. Years ago, I’ve been attributing this to my metabolism. Other people were so envious how effortless it is for me to lose weight. I would just eat anything my heart’s desires without the worry of getting fat.  But finally, I was able to pinpoint the primary reason why I won’t gain weight — HIV.

Here’s a side by side picture of me four years ago and a picture of me taken just a few months ago.

People just are noticing that I look thinner everyday and it’s no longer flattering. I’m even more lean now compared to my picture that I have posted. I have been taking multivitamins and have been pigging out once in a while. But these aren’t enough. I finally heeded my friends’ suggestions to enroll myself to a fitness center and start working out. Hopefully, this would help me address my weight problem. I even asked my sibling in the US to send me whey protein to aid me in improving my physique. But procrastination is getting into me again. I should have started with my program last June 1 but until now, I still can’t get myself in the mood to work-out. I need motivation.

confessing to my lover…

I’ve been seeing someone recently — a 32 year old guy who looks a lot even younger than me (I’m 25). The though of telling him about my status as a pozzie has been troubling my mind in the past few days. I can no longer take further rejections as what I have experienced with the other guys that I have been dating — being left alone in the dark after confessing about my status. I have the option not to tell him about me, but I have to.

I finally got the courage to pop the question this evening.  Here’s the verbatim transcription of the conversation that we had over SMS:

Me: Ei. Punta ako ng lounge tonight ah, may event yung friend ko. Actually it’s a Pink Pride party ng Ladlad.

Him: Kain tayo. Behave ka jan ha.

Me: Eat well ah… Mwahugs. Sana kaya mo akong tanggapin.

Him: Uy. Ano ka ba. Di kita sasamahan kung hindi.

Me: Sana. Basta may sasabihin ako sa yo soon. Sana mag ka lang mangiiwan and hindi ka narrow-minded. I want you to get to know me more before ko sabihin sa yo.

Him: Regarding saan ba yan?

Me: About me.

Him: Wala me pakialam dun. Importante nagkakaintindihan tayo. Ang saya ko talaga na magiging part ka na ng life ko. mwah.

Me: Sure ka? feeling ko pag sinabi ko magiging cold ka na lang bigla at iiwanan mo ako eh.

Him: Di ha. Wala ka naman siguro sakit. haha

Me: What if sabihin ko HIV positive ako?

Him: Di naman siguro. Wag ka nga ganyan

Me: What if?

Him: Uy. Wag ka nga magbiro ng ganyan.

Me: Wag na sana lalabas to kahit kanino. I’m entrusting this secret to you. Seriously, I’m HIV positive. So gusto mo pa rin ba o ayaw mo na? Hindi ako nagbibiro. nagsasabi ako ng totoo. You have the right to know. Aside from my family and barkada, ikaw lang sinabihan ko.

Him:Ok pa rin. Naiyak naman ako. sana di ka nagbibiro

Me: Hindi ako nagbibiro. I’m hoping na di ka narrow-minded unlike others. Sinasabi ko sa yo dahil i like you so much and I care. Sana kaya mo ako tanggapin.

Him: Ui. ano ka ba. Please wag ka magbiro

Me: Hindi talaga ako nagbibiro. Ano nga? Kaya mo ba tanggapin o hindi?

Him: Bakit kasi di ka nagingat. ano ka ba? Tanggapin kita abu ka ba. Kaya lang wala tayo sex.

Me: Thanks for that. Pwede pa namang meron. Obviously,wala ka pang alam masyado about HIV. I’ll educate you about it. Kung ano ang pwede and hindi. Tawagan kita mamaya. Please don’t tell a single sould about me being positive. Malamang nakita mo sa CP ko: H4 2010 077. That’s my patient number sa San Lazaro. Kaya pansin mo, as much as i would like to kiss you or be intimate with you, di ko pa ginagawa? Kasi di ko pa nasasabi sayo about it.

Me: Are you ok? Di ka na sumagot?

Him: Ok lang me,

Me: May mababago ba with what’s going on between us o wala? be honest?

Him: Tawag ka na.

Wasn’t able to call him that instant. I ran out of load and I left my postpaid phone at home. So I bid farewell to my friend and newly found friends and then drove home in a hurry. I called him the moment I stepped into my room and had a quite long discussion over the phone.

He was still shocked with the news. But somehow, he expressed his appreciation for my honesty. He has accepted me being a pozzie and he assured me that nothing will change. I had a sigh of relief and I somewhat felt happy but I can feel the fear and sadness in his tone. “I thought perfect na ang lahat. pero di rin pala. Don’t worry hindi ako tulad ng iba. Hindi kita iiwan. Kung ako naman nasa sitwasyon mo, ayoko rin namang iwanan ako di ba? Basta ang alam ko, happy ako pag kasama kita.” I’m happy that he’s a thinks maturely unlike the others. I’d spare the details of our phone conversation as it’s very personal and emotional. We are to talk about this further later when he gets off from work at 3am.

While writing the early part of this entry, we had this discourse through SMS:

Him: I’m so sad.?

Me: Don’t be please??

Him: Kala ko perfect na.

Me: It still can be…

Winner yung  most recent SMS discourse diba? hahaha. Can’t wait to talk to him in an hour. I’m hoping that everything will turnout fine.

virgin coconut oil…

Dr. Conrato Dayrit conducted a study in the late 90’s on the medicinal value of Virgin Coconut Oil to AIDS/HIV patients. Somewhat recognized by the international scientific community, taking one tablespoon or 15ml of VCO for three times a day on a daily basis reduced the test subjects’ viral loads and CD4 counts significantly given its antiviral, antibacterial, antimicrobial, and antiprotozoal properties. You may check this website for further details or download Dr. Dayrit’s actual case study here.

After doing further research and countless consultations my medical practitioner peers, it seems that this alternative supplement looks promising. I bought 5 bottles of banana-flavored VCO from the supermaket last week and I have been taking it for three consecutive days now. I’m planning to take this regimen for the upcoming five months until I get my next routine CD4 count. I’m praying and hoping that this will help me maintain my current baseline count and better if it’ll boost up my current immunity level.

some kind of a good news…

Got a SMS from my ex, King, this morning. He already got his baseline CD4 count from H4 — 586. Yey!

H4 Pavillion and SACCL, where the hell art thou?

Here’s a map on where the H4 pavillion and SACCL are at the San Lazaro compound which I took when I got my CD4 count. I got lost the very first time I went there and I don’t want my fellow pozzies to be in the same situation that I was in — lost at the TB ward. LOL.

I don’t where exactly is Quiricada street. Usually, I park at the DOH compound in front of the NEC building (LRT entrance) and then I just take a short walk to H4 or SACCL.

unexpected surprises…

I have mentioned in my blog entry before that I have told everyone about my status except for this particular ex-partner of mine. Let’s call him BB (that’s how I call him when we were still together.) I have attempted to tell him about it two weeks ago in person over coffee but my schedule didn’t permit us. Last Friday, I chanced upon him online on Facebook and I finally decided that I have to tell him about it. Surprisingly, he took it as if it’s nothing serious. He just assured me that everything will be fine as my CD4 count is still high and he guarantees my confidentiality given that he is a medical practitioner.

Yesterday afternoon, I posted my itinerary on Facebook. He popped me after a few and then asked if he could join me. I told him to meet me at around 9pm after work so we could catch up with each other. When I got off from work, I got to our meeting place ahead of time and he was late as usual. After almost 15 minutes of waiting, I saw someone walking towards me. It’s BB. I hardly noticed that it was him except for his eyes and smile. He looked so different – so thin and worn out. Words failed me. After the usual greeting, we walked towards the car in unusual silence and drove over to a restaurant somewhere in QC.

I wasn’t expecting that our dinner will be full of revelations. The reason why he was also eager to meet me in person is that he was intending to tell me the same thing that I was planning to tell him. He’s also HIV positive. and in his case, he found out about his status when he was hospitalized because of Pneumonia last January for three weeks. Prior to that, he had frequent flu and headache. And as a doctor, he was self-medicating. He took steroids which actually worsened his situation activating the pneumonia, and staphylococcus aureus (brain abscess). The later almost paralyzed him as if he had stroke. Until now, he has difficulty talking. The same condition explain why he walks in an awkward kind of way. His baseline CD4 count – 16. Currently he’s under ARV medication and I’m praying that his condition stabilizes ASAP.

While we were discussing about our past, our disease, and what’s in store for our future, another ex of mine texted. Let’s call him King (his SACCL screen name). I asked him if he would like to meet a friend of mine who’s also a pozzie. And when he agreed, BB and I went to his pad. Two of my most loved ex-partners of my life under one roof. And given that in the past, King despises BB that even in the time when he needed medical attention, he got furious at me for contacting BB. Funny that the three of us share the same fate and all that we could do is to hold on to each other — support each other as fellow pozzies.

King shared his night to us. He had told his father about his status the very same time that BB and I were having dinner. And another surprise. From being a spiritual person, he has finally converted to Christianity. You can read about it on his blog entry. We shared insights about HIV, our plans, how we told our beloved ones, etc. That one hour flew so fast. We had to go home as BB needed to take his medication and I had to sleep early for the next day’s engagements. We bid each other goodbye and then dropped off BB at his house.

Life is full of surprises. and mostly, they come unexpected. I’ll blog about my reflections while I was driving home that night later. This is it for the night. I still can’t move on with last night’s revelations.

my CD4 count…

Finally, I was able to wake up early this morning to go to San Lazaro for my post-laboratory test consultation and to get my CD4 count — my first official OPD day experience. I got at H4 pavillion at around 8am and to my surprise, I was almost the 20th patient in line. The nurse requested for my screen name and patient number for enlistment and then proceeded with the routine monitoring stuff — body weight, body temperature, blood pressure, and pulse rate. After which, I had nothing to do but wait until my name is called. Luckily, the head medical technician from SACCL was invited by the Head doctor to orient people on what CD4 and Viral load testing is all about and their cost implications. A little distraction from boredom. In the middle of her spiel, the nursing assistant called me in to the consultation room.

I handed over my laboratory results to the doctor in charge. After quickly browsing through the figures, she smiled at me and told me that it’s nice that everything’s normal except for the UTI. She wrote me a prescription for ciprofloxacin for my medication and then told me to present her prescription to the nurse at the reception to get my free meds for five days. She handed me another prescription for urinalysis that I need to take once I have completed my medication and told me to drink plenty of fluids, in particular, water.

After our short discussion, the doctor finally handed me the paper containing the result of my CD4 count taken two weeks ago. And to my surprise, it’s just a little below normal — 424. The normal CD4 count of HIV-negative people ranges between 500 and 1600. She told me not to be complacent of my health given that I know that my CD4 count is still high. It’s quite a relief. I left DOH smiling and promising to myself that I won’t risk my health anymore with the my unhealthy lifestyle. Which translates to no more smoking, drinking, stress and sleep deprivation. I need to maintain my CD4 count at that level.

test results…

Here’s the result of my lab tests last week. Overall, I’m normal except that I have Urinary Tract Infection (WBC count in my Urinalysis). Can’t wait to get my actual CD4 count on Thursday. I’m hoping that I still don’t need to take ARV medication and that I have a high CD4 cell count.

VDRL/RPR – Non-reactive
HBsAg – Non-reactive

Hematology
Hemoglobin – 173
Hematocrit – 0.51
RBC – 5.4
WBC – 8.25
Neutrophils – 0.55
Lymphocytes – 0.44
Eosinophils – 0.01
Platelet count – adequate

Blood Chemistry
FBS – 4.78
Urea Nitrogen – 7.80
Creatinine – 0.86
SGOT – 23.6
SGPT – 35.9
ALK Phosphatase – 170

Chest PA
No active lung infiltrates seen
Heart is not enlarged
Trachea is midline
Diaphragm, Sulci, and Ribs are unremarkable

Urinalysis
Color – yellow
Transparency – Slightly Hazy
Reaction – Acidic
Specific Gravity – 1.015
pH – 6.5
Sugar – Negative
Protein – Negative
WBC – 8-12
RBC – 0-1
Mucus Threads – moderate
Epithelial Cells – rare
Bacteria – rare