Tag Archive: confession

confessing to my lover…

I’ve been seeing someone recently — a 32 year old guy who looks a lot even younger than me (I’m 25). The though of telling him about my status as a pozzie has been troubling my mind in the past few days. I can no longer take further rejections as what I have experienced with the other guys that I have been dating — being left alone in the dark after confessing about my status. I have the option not to tell him about me, but I have to.

I finally got the courage to pop the question this evening.  Here’s the verbatim transcription of the conversation that we had over SMS:

Me: Ei. Punta ako ng lounge tonight ah, may event yung friend ko. Actually it’s a Pink Pride party ng Ladlad.
Him: Kain tayo. Behave ka jan ha.
Me: Eat well ah… Mwahugs. Sana kaya mo akong tanggapin.
Him: Uy. Ano ka ba. Di kita sasamahan kung hindi.
Me: Sana. Basta may sasabihin ako sa yo soon. Sana mag ka lang mangiiwan and hindi ka narrow-minded. I want you to get to know me more before ko sabihin sa yo.
Him: Regarding saan ba yan?
Me: About me.
Him: Wala me pakialam dun. Importante nagkakaintindihan tayo. Ang saya ko talaga na magiging part ka na ng life ko. mwah.
Me: Sure ka? feeling ko pag sinabi ko magiging cold ka na lang bigla at iiwanan mo ako eh.
Him: Di ha. Wala ka naman siguro sakit. haha
Me: What if sabihin ko HIV positive ako?
Him: Di naman siguro. Wag ka nga ganyan
Me: What if?
Him: Uy. Wag ka nga magbiro ng ganyan.
Me: Wag na sana lalabas to kahit kanino. I’m entrusting this secret to you. Seriously, I’m HIV positive. So gusto mo pa rin ba o ayaw mo na? Hindi ako nagbibiro. nagsasabi ako ng totoo. You have the right to know. Aside from my family and barkada, ikaw lang sinabihan ko.
Him:Ok pa rin. Naiyak naman ako. sana di ka nagbibiro
Me: Hindi ako nagbibiro. I’m hoping na di ka narrow-minded unlike others. Sinasabi ko sa yo dahil i like you so much and I care. Sana kaya mo ako tanggapin.
Him: Ui. ano ka ba. Please wag ka magbiro
Me: Hindi talaga ako nagbibiro. Ano nga? Kaya mo ba tanggapin o hindi?
Him: Bakit kasi di ka nagingat. ano ka ba? Tanggapin kita abu ka ba. Kaya lang wala tayo sex.
Me: Thanks for that. Pwede pa namang meron. Obviously,wala ka pang alam masyado about HIV. I’ll educate you about it. Kung ano ang pwede and hindi. Tawagan kita mamaya. Please don’t tell a single sould about me being positive. Malamang nakita mo sa CP ko: H4 2010 077. That’s my patient number sa San Lazaro. Kaya pansin mo, as much as i would like to kiss you or be intimate with you, di ko pa ginagawa? Kasi di ko pa nasasabi sayo about it.
Me: Are you ok? Di ka na sumagot?
Him: Ok lang me,
Me: May mababago ba with what’s going on between us o wala? be honest?
Him: Tawag ka na.

Wasn’t able to call him that instant. I ran out of load and I left my postpaid phone at home. So I bid farewell to my friend and newly found friends and then drove home in a hurry. I called him the moment I stepped into my room and had a quite long discussion over the phone.

He was still shocked with the news. But somehow, he expressed his appreciation for my honesty. He has accepted me being a pozzie and he assured me that nothing will change. I had a sigh of relief and I somewhat felt happy but I can feel the fear and sadness in his tone. “I thought perfect na ang lahat. pero di rin pala. Don’t worry hindi ako tulad ng iba. Hindi kita iiwan. Kung ako naman nasa sitwasyon mo, ayoko rin namang iwanan ako di ba? Basta ang alam ko, happy ako pag kasama kita.” I’m happy that he’s a thinks maturely unlike the others. I’d spare the details of our phone conversation as it’s very personal and emotional. We are to talk about this further later when he gets off from work at 3am.

While writing the early part of this entry, we had this discourse through SMS:

Him: I’m so sad.?
Me: Don’t be please??
Him: Kala ko perfect na.
Me: It still can be…

Winner yung  most recent SMS discourse diba? hahaha. Can’t wait to talk to him in an hour. I’m hoping that everything will turnout fine.


informing my exes…

I could have done this anonymously but I opted to tell them about my status personally. It was a big risk as I have no idea how they’re going to react upon hearing the news but it is my responsibility to tell the people that have been special in my life about it.

I called the three of them one by one and told them of my situation over the phone. They were shocked knowing that they could have also contacted the virus from me. With maturity, they all accepted the fact given that it was our choice to do the act without protection. I felt guilty about it. They assured me though that I shouldn’t be guilty about it  as it was not my choice to have the virus nor do I have the intention of passing it to them. They’ll still be there for me whatever happens. No regrets, no bitterness. Had quite long discussions with them over the phone with our emotions running. Questions have been asked and have been answered with full honesty.

I advised them to have themselves tested as soon as possible so that they know if they have contacted it from me or not. I’m praying and hoping that in their tests, it’ll turn out non-reactive.

confessing to my parents

It was palm Sunday and there was confession in our church. I took advantage of it to seek spiritual guidance from a priest about my situation and at the same time, ask for the absolution of my sins. I don’t know what happened but as I confessed my sins, tears started to flow down my cheeks. Then suddenly I broke down when I started telling the priest about being a victim of HIV. He didn’t blame me nor condemned me. Instead, he assured me that everything will be fine as I approached God with a contrite heart seeking God’s forgiveness. He just told me to pray for guidance and wait for the right time to tell my parents about it. After saying my penance, I have decided. I’m gonna tell my parents about it that moment.

I called my parents to meet me at our home as I’m going to tell them something very important. My initial line was “I’m gonna tell you something but please, don’t hate me. Don’t condemn me, and I’m hoping that you would still accept me as your son. Let me do the talking first.” My mom interrupted me and told me that we should pray together first for God’s grace of understanding, forgiveness and repentance. After praying, I held both of their hands and then uttered, “Mommy, Daddy, I’m HIV positive.” Again, I lost control of my tears. My mom started crying. and when we all calmed down, as a family, we talked about what’s going to happen next and what should be expected. They expressed their full support to me.

Parent will be be parents.

I can feel their pain — they don’t want to see their son suffer.

I can feel their love, concern, support, and understanding.

No one will understand me better than them.

After telling this about them, the last thorn has been pulled out from my heart. And the wound it left is being healed by my parent’s love and support.

Mom, Dad, my siblings. I love you all and thank you.