Archive for June, 2010


That’s what my bestfriend reminded me through SMS a few minutes ago. I will have to take a retreat from my lifestyle:

1. Out of town beach trips almost every weekend
2. Inuman with my barkada every Sunday night, or anytime my friends invite me to go out (given that I have work the following day)
3. Date with my partner after work on Tuesday night ’til sunrise (will need to report to work the same morning)
4. Chain smoking
5. Sleep deprivation on weekdays being a hardcore insomniac
6. Stressful nature of my job

I have come to a realization that I’m writing my own death sentence. I have lived by the phrase carpe diem — seize the day; living my life to the fullest. Time is short and given my condition as a pozzie, every minute of my life matters. I have two options — enjoy my colorful bachelor life painted with travel and parties, or take things slow to prolong my life. The prior one is enticing. But I love myself, my family, and my friends. I want to grow old with them thus, I’m gonna need to sacrifice the fun part of my life. Hence on, I resolve to balance things between my health and fun.

Just got back from another beach escapade with my best friend and his buddy somewhere in Visayas. and as of now, I’m having an asthma attack. I smoked too much. During the trip, we just had four to five hours of sleep everyday. When I got back last Sunday, I slept the whole afternoon and then went out with my barkada till the wee hours. Despite the asthma and the medication I’m taking, I still had the guts to smoke and drink with them. These are the things that I need to change. I don’t want to regret what my CD4 count will be in November when I’m going to have my next blood extraction for my routine CD4 count monitoring.

I have started working out. But it’ll be no use if I’m gonna stick to this lifestyle. I have to start taking care of my health and general wellness. Thanks bestie for reminding me. I love you friend!

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Another chapter of my life is being written — the story of Papa Smiley Bear and his Baby Bear. I’ve been waiting for this love story for almost two years now and my patience finally paid off. My prince charming has finally come to free me from the bondage of my past. After being chained in the pit of bitterness and despair for months, this knight in the shining armor rescued me and escorted me be back to life. He helped me remember the things that I have forgotten — how to smile and love again.

But not all fairy tales have happy endings. Just as when the handsome prince have finally met his perfect maiden, he has learned that a haunted ghost of the past had cast a spell upon his bride. A curse that would restrain them in the act of manifesting their love for each other. That once broken, it’ll bring demise to his own life. The Prince risked it. At around 4:30 am of June 9, 2010. He uttered the words “I love you” and kissed his maiden. When their lips touched, the fairy godmother dressed in all pink appeared out of nowhere and transformed the Prince and the maiden into bears after the hollywood SFX drama of smoke, glitters, and orchestra music — the Prince as Papa Smiley Bear and the maiden as Baby Bear. And from thereon, they are to take the hurdles of this life in the wilderness and they are to shape their own destiny.

Malabo no? I’m just wasted. Just to cut things short, Rico (not his real name) and I are now officially partners. I call him my Papa Smiley Bear (he smiles a lot and he has this perfect killer smile), and he calls me his Baby bear. That’s it. haha.

weight problem…

This has been a problem that I’ve been facing in the past few years. No matter how voracious my appetite is, I just won’t gain weight. Instead, I keep on getting leaner and leaner. Years ago, I’ve been attributing this to my metabolism. Other people were so envious how effortless it is for me to lose weight. I would just eat anything my heart’s desires without the worry of getting fat.  But finally, I was able to pinpoint the primary reason why I won’t gain weight — HIV.

Here’s a side by side picture of me four years ago and a picture of me taken just a few months ago.

People just are noticing that I look thinner everyday and it’s no longer flattering. I’m even more lean now compared to my picture that I have posted. I have been taking multivitamins and have been pigging out once in a while. But these aren’t enough. I finally heeded my friends’ suggestions to enroll myself to a fitness center and start working out. Hopefully, this would help me address my weight problem. I even asked my sibling in the US to send me whey protein to aid me in improving my physique. But procrastination is getting into me again. I should have started with my program last June 1 but until now, I still can’t get myself in the mood to work-out. I need motivation.

confessing to my lover…

I’ve been seeing someone recently — a 32 year old guy who looks a lot even younger than me (I’m 25). The though of telling him about my status as a pozzie has been troubling my mind in the past few days. I can no longer take further rejections as what I have experienced with the other guys that I have been dating — being left alone in the dark after confessing about my status. I have the option not to tell him about me, but I have to.

I finally got the courage to pop the question this evening.  Here’s the verbatim transcription of the conversation that we had over SMS:

Me: Ei. Punta ako ng lounge tonight ah, may event yung friend ko. Actually it’s a Pink Pride party ng Ladlad.
Him: Kain tayo. Behave ka jan ha.
Me: Eat well ah… Mwahugs. Sana kaya mo akong tanggapin.
Him: Uy. Ano ka ba. Di kita sasamahan kung hindi.
Me: Sana. Basta may sasabihin ako sa yo soon. Sana mag ka lang mangiiwan and hindi ka narrow-minded. I want you to get to know me more before ko sabihin sa yo.
Him: Regarding saan ba yan?
Me: About me.
Him: Wala me pakialam dun. Importante nagkakaintindihan tayo. Ang saya ko talaga na magiging part ka na ng life ko. mwah.
Me: Sure ka? feeling ko pag sinabi ko magiging cold ka na lang bigla at iiwanan mo ako eh.
Him: Di ha. Wala ka naman siguro sakit. haha
Me: What if sabihin ko HIV positive ako?
Him: Di naman siguro. Wag ka nga ganyan
Me: What if?
Him: Uy. Wag ka nga magbiro ng ganyan.
Me: Wag na sana lalabas to kahit kanino. I’m entrusting this secret to you. Seriously, I’m HIV positive. So gusto mo pa rin ba o ayaw mo na? Hindi ako nagbibiro. nagsasabi ako ng totoo. You have the right to know. Aside from my family and barkada, ikaw lang sinabihan ko.
Him:Ok pa rin. Naiyak naman ako. sana di ka nagbibiro
Me: Hindi ako nagbibiro. I’m hoping na di ka narrow-minded unlike others. Sinasabi ko sa yo dahil i like you so much and I care. Sana kaya mo ako tanggapin.
Him: Ui. ano ka ba. Please wag ka magbiro
Me: Hindi talaga ako nagbibiro. Ano nga? Kaya mo ba tanggapin o hindi?
Him: Bakit kasi di ka nagingat. ano ka ba? Tanggapin kita abu ka ba. Kaya lang wala tayo sex.
Me: Thanks for that. Pwede pa namang meron. Obviously,wala ka pang alam masyado about HIV. I’ll educate you about it. Kung ano ang pwede and hindi. Tawagan kita mamaya. Please don’t tell a single sould about me being positive. Malamang nakita mo sa CP ko: H4 2010 077. That’s my patient number sa San Lazaro. Kaya pansin mo, as much as i would like to kiss you or be intimate with you, di ko pa ginagawa? Kasi di ko pa nasasabi sayo about it.
Me: Are you ok? Di ka na sumagot?
Him: Ok lang me,
Me: May mababago ba with what’s going on between us o wala? be honest?
Him: Tawag ka na.

Wasn’t able to call him that instant. I ran out of load and I left my postpaid phone at home. So I bid farewell to my friend and newly found friends and then drove home in a hurry. I called him the moment I stepped into my room and had a quite long discussion over the phone.

He was still shocked with the news. But somehow, he expressed his appreciation for my honesty. He has accepted me being a pozzie and he assured me that nothing will change. I had a sigh of relief and I somewhat felt happy but I can feel the fear and sadness in his tone. “I thought perfect na ang lahat. pero di rin pala. Don’t worry hindi ako tulad ng iba. Hindi kita iiwan. Kung ako naman nasa sitwasyon mo, ayoko rin namang iwanan ako di ba? Basta ang alam ko, happy ako pag kasama kita.” I’m happy that he’s a thinks maturely unlike the others. I’d spare the details of our phone conversation as it’s very personal and emotional. We are to talk about this further later when he gets off from work at 3am.

While writing the early part of this entry, we had this discourse through SMS:

Him: I’m so sad.?
Me: Don’t be please??
Him: Kala ko perfect na.
Me: It still can be…

Winner yung  most recent SMS discourse diba? hahaha. Can’t wait to talk to him in an hour. I’m hoping that everything will turnout fine.